Wednesday, October 11, 2006

An Open Letter to My Supermarket

Dear evil minions of hell concerned owners of a nationally-recognized supermarket chain:

I am writing this letter to express my frustration at not being able to strangle you to death with my bare hands with your ongoing supermarket renovation plans. I realize you may not be aware of this, but I began shopping at your supermarket because it was cheaper than dirt priced with the cost-conscious consumer in mind. Even though your employees are obnoxious in the extreme and deserve to be beyatch slapped upside all their pointy little pinheads could benefit from additional customer-service training and your international foods selection has always been execrable somewhat limited, I remained a loyal customer of your supermarket for too many years.

This latest outright assault on common decency and consumer senses change in policy cannot be ignored, however. I appreciate that you wish to destroy upgrade the store by consolidating the organic foods into their own separate fiefdom section. I am willing to put up with the inevitable chaos temporary disorganization that such a move will create. What I simply cannot fathom is why the f*ck you also felt it necessary to move every item in the entire godforsaken store to a different place. Even your obnoxious pinheaded employees have no idea where to find common staples such as toilet paper and soap. To make matters worse, your prices have risen faster than a five dollar ho's skirt at a bachelor party to the point where the average consumer wants to start lobbing $10 heads of imported raddicchio at the cashiers is being priced out of the market.

In light of such utter lunacy these facts, I rejoice regret to say that I will no longer be shopping at your miserable rathole of a supermarket. Perhaps one day I'll see you roast slowly in hell your store will win back my patronage, but at this moment I doubt it. I wish you suppurating boils good luck with your re-organization and remain

Yours in disgust truly,


Ren said...

you tell 'em!

Leah said...

Oh My... roflmao!