I'm so sad about losing Kobe.

It feels so unreal. Over the past couple of days, DH and I had noticed that Kobe seemed to be putting on a little bit of weight. The evening before last, however, it was very pronounced - she looked pregnant, although we knew that was impossible. She also seemed to be having trouble walking. We took her to the emergency, after-hours vet and they found her abdomen was full of fluid. They suspected a tumor on the heart, which left the heart surrounded by fluid itself and unable to pump hard enough. The vet said he was shocked that she could even rouse herself enough to bark in protest at the poking and prodding she was getting.

We took Kobe home that night and brought her to our vet the next day, yesterday. They gave us the same diagnosis. We could have taken her to the really big animal hospital in the area, had her undergo a fluid draining and quite possibly surgery...all the bad stuff, chemo and clinging to life for a few more days or weeks or months. DH's oldest brother died of cancer that ate away at him until he was a shell of the person he'd been. He was only 39 years old when he died. Yesterday as we listened to the third vet in two days tell us the same things, all DH could think about was his brother and the pain and suffering he went through. After agonizing over the decision, we finally had them put Kobe to sleep.

I wished I'd had some liverwurst with me to feed her. That morning, she wouldn't eat anything, not even her favorite chicken breast chewy treats. I finally got her to eat some hard-boiled egg, I think because it was soft. Then, I remembered I had liverwurst in the fridge. As soon as I broke it out and put it under her nose, her eyes lit up. It was exactly like that, like a light popped right into them: "Liverwurst -- all right!" She managed to eat 3 whole slices before she stopped and turned her head away. I don't know if she would have eaten it at the vet's, but at least she could have smelled it.

Still, she at least died surrounded by the people who loved her, in a place she always liked (believe it or not, both Kobe and Fatboy liked going to the vet, maybe because everyone there always made such a fuss about them and paid them so much attention), cradled in my arms and looking right at me. DH and I got to kiss her and hold her right up to the end.

God, I'm so sad.